Lux
by RinoaDestiny
Summary: Clover - Gingetsu's inner monologue about loneliness, lights, and Ran. Sorry for no paragraphs - my word processor screwed up on me.


_Disclaimer: Clover is owned by CLAMP, including the delightfully stoic Gingetsu and the wonderfully angsty and lovely Ran. Mokona Apapa, thank you for your beautiful drawings and Ohkawa Nanase, for your thoughtful story telling. Here's my tribute to you for one of your best manga ever._

**Lux**

You said that the lights were never for you. You said that they were never shining for you, even though they reflected in the serene and sad mirrors of your grey eyes. That was but two years ago, and already you've grown. Already your height startles me, even though I don't show it. It seems unbelievable that you've been with me for two years; that was a long time ago.

Now, whenever you ask if I want a cup of tea, I look at you and I see a different boy. I can no longer see the sopping wet, fearful-eyed child that I picked up because of the Wizard's commands; nowadays, your calm grey eyes alight onto me with cheerfulness and thankfulness. But we both know that inside, you're sad. And you should know that inside of this icy exterior, I'm also sad. That I also have a heart, even if I don't reveal it to the world around me. I'm also afraid of getting hurt. Some people might say, "But it doesn't seem like you can crack him, the Lieutenant Colonel. He's like marble." That's because those people don't know what being a Clover does to you. They don't know what separation from your family is, what being forced to grow up knowing that you are more than different means. That from the day you were seven until the day that you die that you have to hide the tattoo on your wrist from everyone.

Everyone except Clovers. It's like being buried alive.

You said that the lights were never for you. _Lux_ - Latin for light - a little word that I picked up from random reading. There is no light for us, individually, Ran. There never will be. Those lights that you see shining outside of my window - they never shone for me, either. All that there is is darkness, and I saw that in your eyes that night. That saddened me, you know? It reminded me of myself; fortunately for you, you opened up to me, gave my life some joy. When I was your age, I did the opposite. I let the darkness in, and it froze and imprisoned me.

I guess I could've done worse. I could've killed myself. That was what Suu did. We both felt it. I saw it happen. Fairy Park exploded, and as much as I wanted to flinch, I didn't. I couldn't. Not in front of Barus and definitely not while taking care of Kazuhiko. I didn't want anyone to know how much that hurt me. When a Clover dies, we all lose a dear friend of ours. She was the most powerful, the most innocent, the most naïve, and the loneliest one out of all of us. The Four-leaf Clover. I guess I can be grateful that I'm a lower-tiered Clover. But it still doesn't offer any balm for the heart. The Wizards will never allow me to get close to you. As much as I hate to admit it, I found myself changed. Not only by Kazuhiko but also by you, Ran.

You never questioned anything that I did for you - everything was acceptable. The apartment was comfortable, the food was adequate - it's gotten better since you've started cooking - and the company was to your liking. Me, a man in my late twenties who has difficulty getting emotions out. You must be tired of seeing this visor on my face. It's simply another wall to protect myself.

I'm sorry.

And yet, I'm looking at the lights shining outside right at this moment. Without the visor. Without the shields that I have on during the day. The cold air chills my back where once our body heat mingled. Two plus three equals five. Five can easily overpower the Council. Therefore, the bomb in my head, which you undoubtedly know about. A quick death should I get close to you. An unspoken threat. I let my hand slide down the glass even as I close my eyes. There is no light for me. _Lux_ equals nothing for me. All that I have is regret and darkness, an overwhelming sadness. A promise that I'm sure will go void - a promise that I made to Kazuhiko. All of the sorrow in the world won't make up for the pain in his face when I'm gone. Or yours. I'm all alone, even now. And then, I hear your voice.

"Gingetsu?" Your arms envelop me, smelling of clean bed sheets and orchid. "The lights were never for us, you told me a long time ago. But you're always here for me. I'll always be here for you." I got the implication. You're not alone. And then I wept.


End file.
